10 Bollywood clichés

1. 
   Cars/bikes parked on the roadside conveniently have the ignition key in the right place for the hero to use
2. 
   Horses are meant for 2 purposes only – a) to be headstrong and be tamed by the hero after threatening to overthrow the heroine b) to come home wounded, as a loyal messenger that danger/death has befallen the hero’s brethren
3. 
   Heroines shall wear short dresses during the happy hours; come tragedy and salwar kameez becomes the dress code
4. 
   Unsuitable girlfriends (whom the hero eventually discards for the heroine) always wish to become models/film actresses
5. 
   Daughters undergo a surprisingly swift turn-around of emotions soon as their daddys’ villainy is established
6. 
   Heroines are extraordinarily fertile – often merely one night stands lead to pregnancy
7. 
   Even the poorest hero’s mom shall offer lovely leaf tea to the rich heroine’s dad in a proper china tea set
8. 
   College Principals are invariably buffoons of the first or second order
9. 
   Rape victims wear dresses with easily detachable sleeves
10. 
    Successful suicides – hanging. Unsuccessful suicides – the kerosene-on-body-in-the-kitchen act and the breaking-wine-bottles-on-wrists act

10 original quotes/quips

1. 
   If you believe in God you are a creature of realistic dreams
2. 
   That which inspires Poetry is Beauty
3. 
   Arrogance is a virtue if you can afford it
4. 
   If you write well, you’ll bore your listeners
5. 
   A good teacher was an average student
6. 
   If life were easy each would have lived it
7. 
   Most chefs are males because women cook for love
8. 
   A Blackhole is the most selfish thing in the universe
9. 
   A condom is an anti-evolution invention
10. 
    What the camera-shy subject told the photographer – “I hate getting snapped at”

Liar Liar Pants on Fire!

Dr. (Mrs.) M., a Government Medical Officer gets posted in a small village A near the her city of residence B. On paper, she is staying right in that village A PHC (Public Health Center). In the eyes of the C.S.(Civil Surgeon) and D.M.(District Magistrate) of the district of village A, she is putting up in the modest town that calls itself the District Headquarter. For the M.O.I.C. (Medical Officer In-charge), she is there in the 'office' for half-a-day, twice-weekly. For truth's sake, she is living in her permanent residence, which is about two hours of motorable distance from her place of posting, in city B.

Within a few days of getting this posting, Dr. M. decides to buy a car. To buy a car from a showroom of city B, she has to apply for a loan from a national bank that has branches in that same city. Since banks do not give loans so easily, they deem it necessary to come and check out the donee's well-off-ness. Especially, since Dr. M. being joint-owner of a house in the said city is the guarantee of the loan. Hence, here are the harried instructions to yours truly - "When you answer the doorbell or the phone and someone asks for me, be very careful while answering. If it's the C.S. or D.M.'s office, then I am not living here. I am living there. If it's the Bankers, then I am not living there. I am living here."

Golmaal hai bhai sab golmaal hai?

Hear another one -A cousin of mine is fond of her little jokes. So much so, that if you get a much awaited phone call (say, a friend you happened to mention to her hadn't called you recently) and you get that call, it's likely to be her trying to pull off a prank. Or if you get a call from 'Kaun Banega Karorpati', think twice before you exult. Or if she tells you someone's coming tomorrow, that someone ain't likely to make an appearance in the next three months.You get the idea...

Now this dame gets herself a flight from Banglore to Calcutta in the morning, from where she has to board the connecting flight to our city in the evening. The flight timings are altered, because of which she has to board the airbus within 30 minutes of landing at Dumdum. Naturally, she gives us all a ring so that we can send the car to meet her flight at the right time. And, equally naturally, the conversation takes the following turn -

Cousin - Ma, my flight was re-scheduled. I am boarding the flight now. Come to pick me up in an hour.

Aunt - Hahaha...try another one.

Cousin - Ma! I am serious.

Aunt - Yeah, yeah. Bye beta. I understand you must be getting quite bored sitting alone at the airport.

Line disconnected.

My cousin franctically rings up my place.

Cousin - Didi, I am sitting in the connecting flight now - they re-scheduled the flight. Please tell Ma to send over the car.

Me - Heeheehee...who do you think you are talking to, darling. I know you.

Cousin - Di, please believe me. Can't you hear the pilot's instructions in the background?

Me - Oh yes, I can make out someone screeching his lungs out. Dumdum is an International airport honey. A busy one, too.

Cousin - Offo. Talk to this uncle who is sitting next to me. (Aside) - Uncle, please tell my cousin I am actually on board this flight.

Uncle - Hello? Yes, this girl is sitting next to me and we shall reach in an hour.

Me - Hahahaha. Good imitation, my love. You can't fool me any, though, am afraid.

Line Disconnected.

That day, my cousin came home by taxi, managing all the luggage with "uncle's" help, who remained very mystified and bemused throughout the journey.

And they say lies can help!